Watching father-daughter scenes in movies makes me sad. Why? Because I always dream of having that kind of bond with my papa – the kind of relationship where I can say that he was my first love or my first hero or my wall to lean on.
I guess ever since my brother and I were whipped by my papa’s belt because we didn’t want to go for an afternoon nap, I started to feel distant with him. As a kid, it hurt me but thinking about it now maybe it hurt him as well doing that to us. It was the only time he did that but I still carry the emotional scar it gave me. Now as a parent myself, I think I understand a little where he came from.
Thinking about it, I had loads of good memories with him when I was younger. My childhood was a good one because he and my mama tried to give us everything that we need and wanted. But slowly, our relationship became a blur. I wish I could have done something to repair it or make it better but sadly, I didn’t.
While most people are celebrating the new year with their families and friends, ours is waiting for an update of my papa’s health status. We still welcomed the new year with smiles on our faces and hopes in our hearts that 2022 will be better than the previous years but there was a tinge of sadness knowing that he is fighting for his life.
Waking up to numerous messages from families and friends extending their love and sympathies overwhelmed me. Reality hit me that on the first day of the new year, my papa was taken from us. I cried. I felt sorry for him and for my mama. I wish I could have done more. I wish I was with them during this time. I pray that he is at peace now.
For me, the respect and love for my papa has always been there but it was hard for me to express it, to show it. Maybe because we didn’t grow up to be like that in the family. It is hard for us to say I love you, I miss you, I’m sorry to each other. I wish it was different .
Rest now, Papa. Don’t worry about mama. We will look after her.
Almost a decade ago, a few people have asked me “Why are you not moving to London?”, “Why are you moving to Nottingham?” “Have you got family in Nottingham?” and so on…
To be honest, London is not my dream city… it is New York. I always envisioned myself living in the city that doesn’t sleep ever since SATC was released. I have thoughts of having long walks in Manhattan, running in Central Park, admiring the lovely views on top of the Empire State Building, devouring a slice of $1 pizza at a corner shop, partying all night in one of the hippest clubs, and just enjoying the different things NYC has to offer.
But God has different plans for me. Partly my choice but I know that He led me to where I am now.
Why not London, you asked? The city is beautiful. I got family there. In London, as most people think and say, everything is accessible and possible. Personally, living there is not for me. Every time I visit, it gives me headache. It is chaotic. Overcrowded. Rushed. I grew up in the city but man, London is different.
Personally, Nottingham was a safe choice. There is a sense of belongingness. I adapt easily. It felt home. True enough, I have now started to build my little family here. Nottingham may not be as big as London, but there are still a lot of things to do and see here. One just need to appreciate what is in front of them.
My family is not perfect. But whose is? I believe every family has their own set of challenges and frustrations, and let us not forget that we have different perspectives and different ways in handling situations.
I am not a perfect wife or a perfect mother. I have my shortcomings and I have my flaws. I am short tempered that sometimes (or most of the time), I raise my voice to my children or frown at my husband.
Life has a lot of challenges and no one said it will be easy (sounds familiar?). It is just a matter of how we handle things. Recently, I am trying my hardest to be extra patient to my kids especially to my eldest. I am trying not to shout or even raise my voice. It is a conscious effort for me not to get frustrated or get irritated easily. I always pray in the morning to ask for extra patience and to guide me throughout the day with positivity.
At the end of the day, this is the life I chose – this is the little family I am trying to build with my husband and children. They are my happiness. They are my forever.
A year ago, the UK was put on a national lockdown due to the surge of the Covid-19 virus. Since this virus is unknown to everybody, no one knew how to deal with it. The impact of the lockdown has been tremendously seen everywhere – not only with every countries’ economies but with everybody’s emotional and mental well-being as well. Most people started working from home (some were furloughed), non-essential shops were closed, people were asked not to see love ones (or at least limit to see them) and to keep their distances at all times, and all other rules were laid down for people to follow.
It was just weeks after I found out that I was pregnant with my second child when this all happened. As a mother, I worried about the safety of my family especially my children. I was given a choice to go on shielding when I reached 28 weeks which was a relief for me because one, I work in a hospital and have a higher chance to do patient care (so shielding will take that risk away) and two, my pregnancy gave me loads of discomforts so being off work helped a lot. Now nearly 365 days after the first lockdown with two kids in the house and a sort-of-stressful everyday life, I am still thankful that all of us are safe and healthy. I am thankful too that my family and friends back home are well and praying that their situation in the Philippines gets better. I really pray for strength and protection for frontliners all over the world.
As we are reaching the end of the third national lockdown, I am praying that the infection rate continues to decrease as well as the people being infected and those who die. I still am feeling scared to go out in crowded places, scared to take my little one with me in the supermarket, and over sanitising our hands whenever we go to parks. But I guess, this is what our normal will be for the next couple or so years. Like what most people say, if there is one thing this situation made us realise is that time and relationships are precious so let’s not waste any of it.
A narrative of events that took place when I had my children – one in 2017 and now in 2020. Facts of what I have experienced, thought and felt on two of the most painful yet fulfilling events in my life.
I have been pregnant twice and both pregnancies were different from each other. Although both gave me discomforts from conception until birth, the last one was more challenging than the first. Don’t get me wrong, I love being pregnant and bringing lives into this world but sometimes I couldn’t help but “moan” because of the discomforts brought about by the changes – physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I’ve learned about my first pregnancy because of a big change in my mood. I can remember that I was always irritated with Oliver – everything that he did, said, and even the sight of him. I thought that it was unusual for me to have that kind of feeling so that night while I was drinking a glass of strawberry daiquiri, I did a test and saw a faint second line. We were planning to get pregnant but when I saw two lines on my pregnancy test, I was in denial that it was actually happening so I did the test again the next morning and the same result came out. We are pregnant!! The second time was more of by the books, I felt changes in my body and noticed that I was always hungry (or should I say craving to eat something) and I was starting to feel bloated most of the time. I’ve checked my calendar for my usual cycle and when I realised that it was nearly time to have my monthly visitor, I did the test and there… two lines again. I kept it a secret (even to Oliver) for a couple of days to savour the moment and then one morning while I was preparing to go work (and for Olivia to go nursery), I wrote a note “Daddy, I am going to be a big sister” and asked Olivia to wake her daddy up and show the note. Upon waking up, Oliver looked at the note several times to check that he was reading it right then looked at me, “really?” he asked and I just nodded. We are pregnant again!!
My pregnancy with Olivia gave me discomfort during the first trimester – I was always sick, feeling nauseated, and can’t eat anything hence, I lost a kilo during my first trimester. My misery ended as soon as I entered the second trimester and I was flying until the last minute of my third. On contrary, my second one gave me discomforts all throughout the pregnancy. I was having nausea but I was always craving for something to eat, I was constantly feeling some menstrual cramps (and I was a bit paranoid that there is something wrong with my baby inside), I was always tired, feeling down, and very moody (I can get cranky with the slightest naughtiness of Olivia). I had weakened immune system which led me to acquire infections and required me to take several courses of antibiotics. For those who know me, I am very cautious with medication and if possible, I won’t take any during pregnancy. But because treating my infections outweighed my pregnancy, I couldn’t help but take those courses of antibiotics hoping that it won’t have an effect on my growing baby.
When you’re a first time mum, you can’t help but be paranoid even with the slightest deviation from normal. During my first pregnancy, I had a few trips to the antenatal clinic to check Olivia as her movement changes so often (you get to know your babies in your tummy – when and how they move inside). At 39 weeks, I couldn’t feel her inside so I called antenatal clinic to be checked. Luckily, her vital signs seemed to be within normal range but for my peace of mind, they offered for me to have a membrane sweep – a simple procedure of sweeping the cervix hoping that it may trigger natural labour. I was asked to come back the next day with all the stuff I need for the baby and myself and to check in to the hospital. I remember being at the hospital at 10 am then they started the process. I waited for the softening of my cervix and for contractions to start but it didn’t happen that day. I had to stay overnight to be monitored (visitors were only allowed on certain times and can’t stay with me overnight). At 1 am, the nurse woke me up to transfer me to the labour suite as Olivia’s heart rate was fluctuating and needed close monitoring. Four in the morning, they checked my cervix and said that it was still at 2cm (imagine being 2cm for nearly 24 hours) and suggested to break my water manually. Doing so might trigger labour and dilation of my cervix. I said yes and texted Oliver and my mum to come over to the hospital as I might give birth anytime. They came around 5am but I am not having any contractions yet. As time passed, I slowly felt the contractions coming so often and the intensity (oh wow) getting severe. I lost track of time but there was a point when a lot of doctors, nurses, and midwives were in my room because Olivia’s heart rate was decreasing – she was getting distressed inside and had to come out but unfortunately, I was only 4cm. As I was on gas and air (I refused to have an epidural anaesthesia for personal reason), I can vaguely understand the on going conversations. I could remember shouting to take her out of me as she was getting distressed and my contractions were getting more intense. I heard a doctor told me that they will take me for an emergency caesarian section (CS) to safely deliver the baby instead of waiting for my cervix to dilate and deliver naturally. I said yes and moments before I was about to sign the consent form, they checked me again and there… my cervix was 10cm (it jumped from 4m to 10cm in a span of minutes?). I was ready to push and with the count from my midwife… I pushed, I pushed hard that I could’t find the right word/s to describe how it felt. It was painful, uncomfortable rather but it was relieving at the same time. At 11:02am of the 28th June 2017, my firstborn came to this world weighing 3.1 kg (6.13 lbs).
My experience with Jacob was different. Once we learned that I was pregnant, I rang my doctor so they can book me for a midwife appointment. Tests and appointments went smoothly until one day I received a letter stating that they have found that my blood has low Papp-A. That word is foreign to me. I haven’t heard of it even in nursing school. Papp-A? What is that? Like most people, I sought Google’s help to at least know what this low Papp-A is about (which caused me to worry more. So for soon to be mums out there, just ask your doctors). Papp-A (pregnancy-associate plasma protein A) is a protein (protease) associated with the placenta and the growth of the baby. It can also be used to detect Down’s syndrome. In layman’s term, having low Papp-A can indicate some pregnancy complications such as my baby being smaller than expected (growth restricted) or it might cause preterm labour. I was monitored by the hospital’s OB-GYNE consultant and had additional growth scans to ensure that my baby is growing normally. The thought of my baby not growing normally inside of me stressed me out. What have I done differently? Did I eat or do something to have a low Papp-A? Will he have Down’s syndrome (well, there is another test to determine the chance of your baby having Down’s syndrome. Merely having a low Papp-A is not an indication that baby will have DS). In spite of this condition and the infections I acquired, one thing that kept me going was that Jacob is a very active foetus in my tummy. He moved around, danced, and even kicked my organs which made me happy (I know that he is doing okay inside). In 40 weeks, I only went to antenatal clinic once due to change of movement but that was because I was so busy that weekend that I had no time to sit and feel him. To make my pregnancy more exciting, Covid-19 pandemic is still out there affecting people of all ages. My work has been thoughtful enough to send pregnant women off work by 28 weeks. The precautions that we are following made my labour and birth a bit different from the last time. With my first, I had to be induced while with the second one, I had to feel everything as it came. I experienced seeing my mucus plug which signalled that I may be hours or weeks away from labour. For a week, I have been feeling Braxton Hicks contractions (painless contractions) which was uncomfortable. A week before the big day, I was nesting (didn’t know this is true until I experienced it myself). The day before I gave birth, my lower abdomen was cramping (so I thought… this is it) but my energy was back again in the afternoon. Uncomfortable contractions started at around 21:30 just before I went to sleep. It started every hour and no matter how hard I try to sleep, the pain and discomfort woke me up. Around midnight, contractions came every 20 mins so I thought he will come soon but the interval of the contractions were still far apart for me to go to the hospital. At three in the morning, lower abdomen contractions and back pain occurred every 7-10 minutes. I rang the hospital to inform them that I may be minutes/hours away from giving birth. The midwife told me to wait for a couple more hours to see if the contractions will be regular. Besides, we have Olivia at home with us and waking up Oliver’s mum at three in the morning is not very ideal. So I’ve waited a couple more hours until I can’t endure the pain anymore. I’ve rang the hospital at 5:30am and told them that the frequency is getting near each other and the intensity is getting harder to tolerate. Finally, I can go to the hospital. I told Oliver to prepare and to ring his mum (I guess to be woken up nearly 6 in the morning is better than 3am). I started sorting myself as I don’t want to give birth in my pyjamas but took me so long as I stop every time contractions came. At last, we left the house about 6:45 and arrived the hospital at seven. I think the advantages of going to the hospital at that time is: one, there are still available parking spaces; two, there are not a lot of people so I don’t need to queue to be taken to the room; and three, staff are free to accommodate us (and so I thought). It was really hard for me to walk from the parking to labour suite. I had to hold unto Oliver’s arm for support. Once I got in the room, the midwife started asking general questions and did my observations. To be honest, I could have told off the midwife for being so slow due to the pain contractions but at the back of my mind, I know that she was just doing her job. I think the last straw was when she asked me for a urine sample. Imagine yourself to be in pain and want to push and then the midwife was asking you for a urine sample? But to comply with her request, I went to the toilet to get a sample but I suddenly had the urge to push and I felt that doing a pee will push my baby out. So I shouted that I want to push and that I was bleeding. I found her talking to another midwife (turns out that she is a midwife doing preceptorship). They finally decided to check my cervix and woah! I was 9cm dilated (not surprised that I had the urge to push). I will say that between 7:30 and 8am, the pain was really unbearable. All I can remember was me shouting “I want to push” on top of my lungs while I support my back. For the second time, I did not have an epidural anaesthesia and just had gas and air so I was really feeling all the pain of childbirth. By the last minute of labour, the midwives push the emergency button and put me on my left side. All I heard was Jacob’s heart rate declined from 130 beats per minute to 40 bpm. A doctor talked to me and told me that they will break my water and have to take Jacob out if my cervix is not yet fully dilated (I was assuming with the help of forceps or via CS). But luckily once they broke my water, everything followed… I screamed and pushed… screamed and pushed… until finally at 8:10am of the 6th November 2020, my second child was born.
Unlike with my first, we were able to come home the same day as both baby and I were in good condition. On our first night, Olivia stayed at her nana’s. That was a good decision as we were trying to settle down with the new baby. Olivia came home the next day and that was the start of our reality – we are now a family of four. The first time Olivia saw Jacob, she can’t help but smile “my baby… my baby brother. I like my baby brother.” And those words melt my heart.
Jacob is now three weeks old. Three weeks of our new lives with a toddler and a baby. I am back having sleepless nights, shortened patience, and a lot of multitasking to do. Three weeks has been challenging especially that it is only me and Oliver (with a help from Oliver’s mum) doing things at home unlike three years ago when I had my mum here to help us (thank you covid for making things harder). To be honest, I am thinking how some couples with more than two kids handle the responsibilities and the pressure of having a big family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my growing family even though sometimes I get tired (exhausted even) of being a mum, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a colleague, and on top of that looking after myself. I love looking after my children even if sometimes I shout at Olivia for being a kid or even if I pull my hair because Jacob has overfed himself and vomited… again. At night before I go to sleep, I look at my children and my husband and thank God for the family that he has entrusted me.
I’ll end this by giving a toast (well, I have a cup of tea in my hand instead of alcohol) to all the mums (biologically or not), the dads, and the (extended) families who work together. Cheers!
It has been a long time since I last wrote on this site.
I became busy as my responsibilities add up each day. With a blink of an eye, we have a toddler now. Just like that.
And since the world is on a standstill, I get the chance to pause for a bit and look at what my life has become – what my family life and my career has made me into.
See, I am a nurse by profession and I made an entry years ago why I became one. During this pandemic, we are called to be frontliners to defeat this virus. A lot of colleagues have already been defeated by the virus. Sad, but that is the truth nowadays. You go to work and you make yourself and your love ones vulnerable of acquiring this invisible enemy. My colleagues at work are being redeployed somewhere in the hospital to look after patients who are positive of Covid-19. I am sure that most of them, if not all, are worried of the risk that they can acquire it and pass it on to others.
While others are fighting this war as frontliners, I have to fight it out of the limelight. It is my choice to do so. Why? Because I have to protect not only myself, not only my partner and toddler at home, but also to protect the growing life inside me.
Sometimes I think that this is being selfish and coward but after praying and reflecting, I know in my heart that what I am doing is the best for myself, my family, colleagues, and my unborn child.
I pray for this pandemic to end.
I pray for people to stay safe and healthy.
I pray for the world to heal.
I pray that this world become safe for our children and our children’s children.
They say that a child can change one’s life… and they’re right. Since Olivia was conceived, it made me realise that I am not on my own anymore. I have another person to think about and to look after at. I cannot be selfish anymore and do stuff which I was doing before she came. I was suddenly put in a position where I have to think about somebody’s well-being first before mine.
It wasn’t easy. Looking after a baby 24/7 is no joke. I was fortunate that my mom was here with us when I gave birth and I have an extra pair of hands to help us. Sleepless nights, sore nipples, uncomfortable birth passageway, and postpartum depression are real. When she started to roll over, to sit, to pull herself up, and to walk, we have to make sure that everywhere is safe. When she throws tantrums I have to hold back and be patient with her. Sometimes I will lose my temper and will have a go at her but her smile would make all my frustrations away.
I would be honest, being a mom is stressful but every time I see her smile, hear her giggle and laugh, and receive cuddles all of it goes away. At the end of the day, having her is a blessing and I will forever be grateful.
So today on her birthday, we are not only celebrating her first year of life but also a year of me being a mom.
Thank you, Olivia for making me experience the wonderful world of motherhood. You, me, and daddy are in this together. I pray that you grow up to be a good person and to have a heart full of love, kindness, and dreams. Daddy and I will always be here to support you.
Gone are the days when I can sleep at least eight hours every night… but it gives me more time to spend with you and see how you grow and develop every second.
Gone are the days when I can put makeup on an ordinary day to feel beautiful… but the smile you give me every time you see my bare face melts my heart and feel that in your eyes, I am beautiful.
Gone are the days when I can binge watch movies and TV series all day to entertain myself… but hearing your chuckles and giggles is enough to make my day.
Gone are the days when I can go to the gym to keep myself fit… but playing with you and chasing you around help me to be strong.
Gone are the days when I can have a quiet time on my own to relax, read a book or have a cup of tea… but your noise gives life to our home and in our hearts.
Having you changed our lives. You taught me things that I haven’t learned in school, you gave me something that I will forever cherish, you made me realise that I am able to love unconditionally, and you gave me more reasons to look forward to each day. Sometimes it is challenging to have you but the love that we have for you keep us going.
Thank you for coming into our lives. Know that we’ll both explore this unknown world together, we’ll protect you as much as we can from this frightening world, and we’ll guide you until you can make it on your own.
Gone are the days that it is only me and daddy doing things together… but you being in our lives makes everything nicer and I believe that you make us better individuals.
Last year has been a busy year, good but busy. I started with my new job in the hospital, had 2 holiday trips (Philippines and New York), and found out that I am going to be a mommy. This year, I am focusing myself more in looking after myself (for the baby), we found out the gender of my baby, we are sorting out stuff that my baby will need, and preparing myself (physically, mentally, and emotionally) to give birth.
We found out last October that I am carrying another life inside me. It feels weird knowing that I am not just looking after myself anymore but there is a little life that I need to protect and care for.
This experience has not been the most comfortable one (and it has not been like what they say in text books) but just knowing that this blessing was given to me, all the discomforts and pain go away. I moan a LOT to the point that all I could do is cry because of the strange things I feel that is happening in my body. I could write here all the discomforts I am experiencing with this pregnancy but I guess all those things vanish every time I feel the baby move inside.
And so this year, I am looking forward to meet my little princess (we’re having a girl!) and experience new things with her. I know I will have less sleep, less time for myself, and less time to do the things I love doing but like what people say… it will be all worth it. I just wish that both me and my baby will be healthy and safe for the remaining weeks of my pregnancy.
Twenty-fifteen is a good year for me. Although some doors closed, there are other doors which opened. A year of new relationships built, career opportunities, and quite a few blessings that I am thankful for.
Seven more hours before we welcome the new year but I am already tired from the cleaning and tidying at home. Being a Filipino, we have quite a few beliefs/superstitions for the New Year (and I try to follow some of them while I live away)
• Clean the house on New Year’s eve and not on New Year’s day
• Prepare 12 round fruits symbolizing good luck and wealth for 12 months of the coming year (it is really hard to look for a perfectly round fruit so I just bought fruits which look round to me lol). My family’s trafition is to include 12 boiled eggs but because I don’t want to waste the eggs, I missed doing it this year.
• Make sure the rice dispenser is full for abundance in the coming year (hmm technically, we don’t have a rice dispenser so I just bought a few packs of microwavable rice)
• Wear anything polkadots when welcoming the new year
• Fill your pockets and purses with money and shake them when the clock strikes 12 (well, my costume doesn’t have pockets so might put all the money in the purse)
• Smile and be happy. Whatever your mood will be on New Year’s day will mosty be your mood the whole year!
Whys and Wherefores 